But with others their first word at all times is No; with them great art is required, and with all the propitious moment. Surprise them when in a pleasant mood... The days of joy are the days of favour... It is no use applying when another has been refused, since the objection to a No has just been overcome. Nor is it a good time after sorrow. To oblige a person beforehand is a sure way, unless he is mean.
Baltasar Gracián, 1647 (tr. Joseph Jacobs, 1892)
Asking well is mostly a matter of timing, and the same request succeeds or fails depending on the moment you choose. With people whose reflex is to refuse, the propitious moment matters most: catch them in a good mood, after a pleasure or a success, when goodwill overflows outward. Avoid the poisoned moments: just after they have refused someone else, because saying no has become their groove, and just after a sorrow, when nothing feels affordable. The surest preparation of all is to have done them a genuine favour beforehand, so the ground is already warm when you approach. This is not manipulation so much as respect for reality: the merits of your request are only half the battle, and the timing of it is the other half, often the deciding one.
Practice
- Choose the moment, not just the words; the same ask lands differently after a success than after a setback (maxim 236 warms the ground with a favour first).
- Avoid the poisoned moments: right after the person has refused someone else, and right after a loss or a sorrow.
- Warm the ground beforehand with a genuine favour where you can; the request that follows a kindness starts from goodwill, not from cold.
Use this when
- Use this for any significant request, from a raise to a favour; the timing is half the outcome and the merits only the other half.
- Use it with habitual refusers especially, where the propitious moment is the whole difference between yes and the reflex no.
Ignore this when
- Don't let timing become endless waiting for a perfect moment; some asks must be made on their own schedule, not yours (maxim 56 acts in time).
- Don't let warming the ground curdle into transactional favour-trading; the favour must be real, not an invoice waiting to be presented (maxim 236's line).
A picture of it
With a strong case for more responsibility, an employee nearly torpedoes it on timing, almost walking into her boss's office to ask on the morning he has just been handed a budget cut. She reads the room in time and holds off. Weeks later, after a project of hers lands well and the same boss is visibly pleased, she makes the identical request, and it is granted almost without discussion. The case had not changed by a word. What changed was that she asked on a day of favour instead of a day of loss, and the timing did the work the merits alone could not.
The same request wins or loses on its timing. Ask on a day of favour, never after a No or a sorrow, and warm the ground first.