Respect yourself if you would have others respect you. Be sooner sparing than lavish with your presence... Never come unasked and only go when sent for. If you undertake a thing of your own accord you get all the blame if it fails, none of the thanks if it succeeds. The importunate is always the butt of blame...
Baltasar Gracián, 1647 (tr. Joseph Jacobs, 1892)
Pushing yourself in where you were not invited is a reliable way to be slighted. Presence is worth more when it is sparing than when it is lavish, and the person who is always thrusting himself forward, always volunteering uninvited, teaches others to value him less, not more. There is a specific asymmetry the counsel names: take something on of your own accord, unasked, and you carry all the blame if it fails and collect none of the thanks if it succeeds, because you were not wanted in it to begin with. Self-respect shows in restraint: being sparing with your presence, waiting to be asked, going when sent for. The importunate person, forcing himself in without shame, ends up pushed out with it, while the one who holds back is sought.
Practice
- Be sparing with your presence; it is valued more withheld than lavished, and self-respect in restraint teaches others to respect you (maxim 282 makes the same case for absence).
- Wait to be asked into things; the uninvited undertaking carries all the blame for failure and none of the thanks for success.
- Notice the asymmetry before volunteering unasked; if you were not wanted in it, you gain little by forcing your way in.
Use this when
- Use this when tempted to insert yourself into a matter you were not asked into; the importunate is the butt of blame.
- Use it to make your presence sought; being sparing is what makes you desired and well received.
Ignore this when
- Don't confuse this with never taking initiative; the counsel is against forcing yourself in unwanted, not against stepping up where you are needed (maxim 265 still sets itself hard tasks).
- Don't withhold help someone genuinely needs and would welcome; the caution is about the unwanted intrusion, not real usefulness.
A picture of it
Eager to be useful, a manager inserts himself into a neighbouring team's project uninvited, taking on a piece of it of his own accord, and learns the asymmetry the hard way: when the piece runs into trouble, the blame lands squarely on him, while the parts that go well are credited to the team that was actually asked to do them. His unrequested presence, meant to help, only made him the butt of blame. He learns to be sparing instead, waiting to be asked and going when sent for, and finds that the restraint makes his involvement genuinely wanted where the eagerness had made it a nuisance.
Come unasked and you own the failure and none of the success. Be sparing with your presence, and it will be sought instead of slighted.