Notice those who stick in the mud, and observe how they call others to their aid so as to console themselves with a companion in misfortune. They seek some one to help them to bear misfortune... There is great caution needed in helping the drowning without danger to oneself.
Baltasar Gracián, 1647 (tr. Joseph Jacobs, 1892)
Some people in trouble do not want rescue so much as company in their misery, and they will pull others down to have it. Watch for the person stuck in the mud who calls out not to be helped up but to have someone stuck beside him, because shared misfortune feels less lonely. Compassion is right, but there is a real skill in helping the drowning without being dragged under yourself, in distinguishing the person you can actually lift out from the one who will only use your hand to pull you in. The counsel is not coldness; it is discernment about how you help, staying on solid ground while you reach, so your good intention does not simply produce a second casualty. Help, but do not join them in the mud.
Practice
- Help from solid ground; reach for the drowning without letting them pull you under, because a second casualty helps no one (maxim 258 shares trouble by agreement, this one guards against being dragged).
- Watch for those who want company in misery rather than rescue; some call for help only to have someone stuck beside them.
- Distinguish the person you can lift from the one who will use your hand to pull you in; the difference decides how, and how far, you help.
Use this when
- Use this when someone in trouble is drawing you into their situation; help in a way that keeps your own footing.
- Use it to tell rescue from recruitment; the person who wants a companion in misfortune is not asking to be lifted out.
Ignore this when
- Don't let this harden into refusing to help at all; the counsel is about how to help safely, not about turning away.
- Don't mistake everyone in trouble for a trap; most people in difficulty genuinely want out, and cynicism here costs real good.
A picture of it
Drawn in by a colleague spiralling through a self-made crisis, a manager nearly goes down with him, taking on his problems, his blame, his mood, until she realises he does not actually want to climb out; he wants company in the mud, someone stuck beside him for consolation. She does not abandon him, but she changes how she helps: staying on solid ground, offering the hand from a stable footing rather than climbing in beside him. The help that would have made two casualties becomes help that might actually lift one. She learned to aid the drowning without dying of another's ill-luck.
Some call you into the mud for company, not rescue. Help the drowning from solid ground, and never die of another's ill-luck.